The episode opens aboard Moya, where the half of the crew who stayed with her continue their rather desultory search to reconnect with Talyn while trying to amuse themselves and not kill each other. D’Argo’s new hobby is the little spaceship he salvaged from the debris of Moordil’s space station months ago. He's down in Moya’s hangar with the blunt, bullet-shaped vessel, trying to map out its cryptic controls. He's succeeded in getting it off the ground and has it hovering, amid clouds of vapor, a few feet above the deck. Its engine is quiet and sounds like a distant wind, or a wire being spun in the air, as it bobs and wobbles like a ball levitating on a jet of air. The interior of the alien ship is virtually all cockpit and John is with D'Argo. He's standing behind the Luxan and off the one side rather than sitting in the co-Pilot’s seat. Although D'Argo is excited about the ship - the atmosphere is tense - the two men are clearly uncomfortable with each other
D'Argo: (chortling with excitement) Outstanding! Believe it or not I'm actually getting better at controlling this thing!
John: How did you say you figured this out?
D'Argo: Well much trial and - error - actually. (he manages to get the ship to rotate its direction in mid-air)
John: (dubious) Yah - it's impressive.
D'Argo: Well I haven't had much else to do. (his brow is furrowed with the intensity of his concentration on the ships controls)
John: (in the tone of a guy trying to be supportive) Takes time to learn to fly. I know you've been - practicing on the ground but- (suddenly the ship begins to yaw wildly to one side and he's cut off by D’Argo’s yell)
D'Argo: AH! AH! HANG ON! (and with that, as they're tossed about by the little ships sudden decision to touch down on Moya’s deck - NOW)
(cut to moments later as the little spaceships access steps lower to the hangar floor accompanied by the sounds of an infuriated Luxan. John appears at the top of the steps. He's backing down them carefully and keeping an eye on D'Argo who's coming down too - and screaming at the top of his lungs)
D'Argo: HOW MANY TIMES?
John: (defensive) One. Once. Uno. One time!
D'Argo: (shouting over him) YOU HAD - TO HAVE TOUCHED - SOMETHING!
John: D'Argo I didn't touch - anything!
D'Argo: (his fury is building at every step) HOW MANY TIMES DID I ASK YOU? I SAID, “DO NOT GO INSIDE THE SHIP!”
John: (his words are almost all lost under the din of D’Argo’s bellowing) I need - to press - to calibrate-
D'Argo: I WAS USING IT! (he shoves John backwards)
John: (angry, but the Luxan is out of control and screaming over everything he says) Quit actin' like Yosemite Sam!
D'Argo: I ASKED YOU JUST TO STOP! (as he backs John into the maintenance area of the hangar he snatches his Qualta blade up and brandishes it at the human)
John: (increasingly alarmed, he throws up his hands) Whoa! Hey! Yo-yo-yo! Easy man! Remember what the doctors say about hyper-rage!
D'Argo: (apoplectic) John I have nothing - NOTHING! I have NO wife. NO son. NO home. NOTHING! (as the Luxan enumerates his litany of woes, John nods desperately in an attempt to show sympathy and defuse D’Argo’s rage. But he can see the little ship over the Luxans shoulder - and something is happening. The ship makes a ringing noise and flashes of green, blue and white lasers start flashing around its underside) I have been forced to manufacture distractions in order to live!
John: (as the Luxan rants) D'Argo - D'Argo your ship-
D'Argo: (he never pauses in his harangue) THAT SHIP IS ALL I HAVE!
John: (he ties pointing over D’Argo’s shoulder) Look! No! It's your ship! (but it's no use)
D'Argo: YOU SABOTAGED MY FRELLING SHIP! (and with that rather unfair accusation - D'Argo loses whatever modicum of control he had and gives John another great shove. Time seems to slow down as he stands there and watches the human try to protect himself from falling objects as he ricochet off metal cabinets and containers. But he finally takes a very sharp blow to the head - and goes down, unconscious. D'Argo - his rage spent - finally becomes aware of the sound and light show going on behind him and turns around. What he sees is a massive energy build-up shimmering in the air around the little ship. As he watches, wide-eyed with apprehension - the energy build-up completes its cycle and before he has time to scream, it comes powering out as a sort of shock wave in all directions from his hobby ship and races through him - and Moya)
(cut to later. Moya floats in deep space, although her bronze body glints like precious metal in a dim room - no lights shine out from her - she's gone dark. The scene shifts to her medlab, which is lit only by a few big operating room-style lamps arrayed around an examining table. John is laying on the table, covered with one of Moya’s golden sheets. A holo of his brain wave activity hovers in the air at the head of the table. Jool bustles about, attending him)
Jool: Pilot? (no instant response) Pilot?
Pilot: (on comm) I'm sorry Jool. But as you can understand I am-
Jool: (cutting him off) Yeah yeah. He's not good. There's some blood in his skull and some swelling. And he's barely breathing.
Pilot: Did the power cell in Zhaan’s diagnostic scanner activate?
Jool: (urgently, as she places sensors on John’s forehead) Anything with its own power source still works. Pilot - John’s fever is way up.
Pilot: (cut to him in his Den, which is darker than usual, as he speaks. His arms move rapidly over his Console) I can't control the temperature there Nor much else. The energy pulse seared all Moya’s active - power conduits. (cut back to the medlab where Jool pulls John’s eyelids back to assess pupil reactivity) We're fortunate comms weren't in use at the time.
Jool: Is that krastic ship still frelling with us?
Pilot: Yes. D'Argo feels Crichton’s interference must have triggered a security self-destruct sequence.
Jool: Can he stop it?
Pilot: (annoyed by the memory) When we last spoke - D'Argo was rather agitated.
(cut to D'Argo, Qualta in one hand, flashlight in the other as he marches through Moya’s blacked-out corridors. He's still on a tear but Chiana isn't one to pussy-foot around someone tossing a tantrum and is right behind him, dogging him every step of the way)
D'Argo: (loudly) Which part of “I don't know” has you baffled?
Chiana: Can't flush the ship out.
D'Argo: THE HANGAR DOORS WON'T OPEN!
Chiana: Can't escape in a transport pod.
D'Argo: THE HANGAR - DOORS - WON'T - OPEN! (they come to the great oval swivel door that lets onto Pilot’s Den and he throws his shoulder against it. It creaks slowly open under his assault)
Chiana: (sensibly) Fix the hangar doors!
D'Argo: Pilot has NO control!
Chiana: (with disgust as they start across the catwalk to Pilot and his Console. Pilot watches their loud progress in silence) You've really frelled us this time.
D'Argo: ME? It wasn't ME! It was CRICHTON!
Chiana: Oh. So you tried to kill him?
D'Argo: I didn't try and kill him! He SLIPPED!
Chiana: (as Pilot looks on, she turns to face D'Argo furiously) You're pathetic! You really are! We're all gonna die because-
But she's stopped by D'Argo, who, in a paroxysm of anger and frustration, suddenly hurls his precious ancestral Qualta blade out over the abyss from which Pilot’s station rises. The silvery sword/gun cuts through the air, flying end over end as all 3 of them watch in stunned silence. It spins away into the vast depths till it can only be seen as a glint of light before disappearing in the distance. Pilot breaks the heavy silence-
Pilot: (shocked and reproachful) Ka D'Argo! Your Qualta blade!
Chiana: (unnerved, but unwilling to allow his rash act to take center stage) That was mature. (and D'Argo knows it. He growls softly, anger spent again, and turns away. Chiana turns back to Pilot) So when's this ship gonna blow?
Pilot: Unknown. Moya and I have no active senses in the transport hangar-
Chiana: (cutting him off) Yeah, yeah - we get the idea. W-what do we do?
Pilot: Re-activate the DRDs. They're the only ones who can re-wire Moya.
D'Argo: (aghast at the magnitude of the damage) Re-wire?
Pilot: (in a tone that leaves no doubt as to where he places responsibility for this little fiasco) Your ship - crippled every internal conduit and power application running at the time.
D'Argo: (resolutely) Then I'll cripple it. (he turns and stalks out of the Den, calmer and infinitely wearier. Chiana casts Pilot an apprehensive glance before following the Luxan out)
(cut back to the Medlab where John remains comatose on the table. Jool seems to be in despair of helping him. She's standing with her back to her patient looking through the petal-like windowpanes of a door that looks as if it ought to open onto some sort of paradisiacal arboretum - but nothing can really be seen through its musty panes)
Chiana: (on comm) Hey Princess!
Jool: (dully) We're gonna die aren't we?
Chiana: Eventually. (cut to her as he strides down a corridor with a flashlight in one hand and a dead DRD on her opposite hip. Her tone is perky and determined) You got the mivonks to push the date back? Help D'Argo in the transport hangar - (she comes to a place where the floor is strewn with little out-of-commission DRDs) - when he's sick of you - find me.
Back in the Medlab - Jool has the mivonks. She abruptly ends her reverie at the flowerlike door and walks to John. All she can do is give him a quick kiss on his forehead and a lingering look - before turning and leaving to help D'Argo with whatever she can.
And as she leaves there comes the flash of brilliant white light which signals a shift in scene to - John’s Head. For in his unconscious state- he wanders his subconscious. He knows he's laying on the exam table in Moya’s Medlab, with one of her golden sheets pulled up to his chin. And as he lays there, he gets a visitor who insists upon hanging at his bedside and yakking...
Scorpius/Harvey: (businesslike) Do you know what's happening?
John: Yeah. (he pulls the sheet up over his face) I'm dying.
Scorpius/Harvey: (he bustles about, peering at the brain wave holo display hovering over the humans head) Let's see what's left in the fuel tank.
John: Go away and let me do what I gotta do.
Scorpius/Harvey: Oh what? Find a reason to live?
John: I got plenty of reasons.
Scorpius/Harvey: (as he sidles lazily around the table) Then give me- (he whips the golden sheet off John - which reveals the human laying there in a pair of jeans and a plaid shirt) - the Letterman List!
John: Earth. Dad. Pizza. Sex. Cold beer. Fast cars. Sex. Aeryn. (beat) Love. (not only is that only 9 but we would like to make Special Note Of The Fact that Aeryn is second to last and sex counted twice before her)
Scorpius/Harvey: (nodding - he suspected as much) Well. We're both dead.
John: Screw you.
Scorpius/Harvey: None of that crap will get the job done John. (John just lays there with his hands folded on his chest and his eyes shut, refusing to look at the clone) You die - you drag me with you. You want some advice?
John: (knowing it'll be dispensed anyway) No.
Scorpius/Harvey: (dispensing it anyway) Revenge!
Scorpius/Harvey: Yes! Love is transient - vaporous. And guess who Aeryn loves right now? (John’s eyes snap open) He wins. You - lose.
Scorpius/Harvey: (strident) Revenge is the strongest emotion John!
John: Go away.
Scorpius/Harvey: (loudly) D'Argo put you here!
Scorpius/Harvey: LIVE TO EVEN THE SCORE!
John: (he sits up abruptly and glares at the clone) GOODBYE SCORPY! BYE-BYE!
Scorpius/Harvey: (smugly amused as he turns his back on John to idly peer out the petal-shaped windowpanes) Your mind is no longer strong enough to control my comings and goings.
John: (he leans forward slightly as he asks dangerously) Is that a challenge?
But before the clone can answer - he undergoes an absurd transformation. With the quivery whoop of a slide whistle - he shrivels down into a cartoon version of himself. Like the real Scorpius, the 'tooned clone is a lean and intense creature. Unlike the real Scorpius - this one just can't quite keep his cool. He spins around, mortified and gaping first at John - who seems quite pleases with himself - and then down at his own scrawny cartoon body.
'ToonScorpius/Harvey: (in the peevish creak of a cartoon villains voice) How did you-? (he grunts and screws up his face furiously before hitting upon what John has done. He snarls with disgust) Looney Tunes! (he strains - and manages to pop himself back into his normal Scorpius/Harvey form)
Scorpius/Harvey: (annoyed and vehement) Wasted energy John! Now focus! Revenge is deep within your psyche! A core vestige from your earliest evolution! Unleash it now!
John: No. (he stares intently at the clone, who grimaces in a futile attempt to resist being 'tooned again - but to no avail)
ToonScorpius/Harvey: (furious) This After School Special - dissipates our chances of survival John!
John: (quietly) Do you really want revenge?
ToonScorpius/Harvey: (he can't help the eager 'toonish wistfulness in his voice) Oh yes! (blink-blink)
John: Okay. (Immediately the whistling sound of something falling fast heard. They both look up and the cartoon clone eyes bug. But we KNOW there's no escape from the huge green weight - labeled OZME on one side and 1000 TONS on the other - that proceeds to drop out of nowhere and flatten him with a satisfying thud and a copious puffs of dust. John remarks with satisfaction-) Revenge. But only for you. (and having taken care of that little problem - he lays back down on the table, and plops his hands over his chest with 'toonish finality)
(cut to the hangar bay. Jool almost trips over D'Argo in the dark as she hurries in. The Luxan is sitting there contemplating his little ship - which is making a soft roaring sound like a distant waterfall. Both are startled - he hisses and the she yips before they recognize each other, catch their breath and get to business)
Jool: Are you sure that noise means we're going to explode? What if it's just a-
D'Argo: (cutting her off, he reports pensively) Soft-core overload. It's - like it wants us to shut it down but - I don't know how.
Jool: But you did it before.
D'Argo: Whatever Crichton did - he disabled the sequence of commands I was building up.
Jool: I mean - what if it wasn't Crichton? What if something's just happened?
D'Argo: I've been off the ground on this thing 4 times. No problems. (with conviction) He did it.
(cut back to the Medlab where John lays very still on the exam table and the brain wave display over his head to undulates silently in the dark. With a flash of white light, the scene shifts back to inside John’s Head. He's still in his plaid shirt and jeans as he rolls into Pilot’s Den to pay the Great Navigator a visit)
John: What's up dude? How you doin'?
Pilot: (as if weary of the whole thing) You're dying.
John: (also weary, he says with a sigh - as if it's just the same old crap over and over and over) Yeahyeah. D'Argo tried to kill me.
Pilot: (sounding suddenly like the voice of a conscious) Perhaps an overstatement.
John: Well - same net result.
Pilot: Is he an enemy you wish to harm?
John: (with another sigh) Aw man - I don't even know why we're fightin'.
Pilot: Then rise above his behavior. Moya and I find it advantageous to avoid confrontation by aggression. (oh gawd - we're so ashamed)
John: (translating Pilot’s euphemism into the colloquial) Run away?
Pilot: (with the wide-eyed earnestness of a guy who's really seen the light - he wags a claw at John and pronounces-) Aggression feeds on opportunity. Remove yourself as a target and the pursuer will eventually tire.
John: (as he ponders this for a moment, a shadowy figure is seen creeping up on him from behind. Finally, he says to Pilot, in the tone of a guy who's just had a serious revelation) You're very wise.
Pilot: (he lowers his voice to divulge the secret of his wisdom) I don't get out much - so I read.
John: Well thanks for the advice.
Pilot: (he cocks his head to alert the human to his stalker) You - could try it now if you like. (John turns around - and catches D'Argo in mid-sneak)
D'Argo: (he freezes ) Uhhhhmm... (the scene instantly shifts to The Chase as John acts on Pilot’s advice and - egresses. Through Moya’s corridors he gallops with the Luxan in hot pursuit. But it isn't as easy as Pilot made it sound. But then, Pilot has a spaceship... John mutters “Aw gimme a break.” as he sprints into the hangar bay and hops into his module. D'Argo skids to a halt)
John: (looking over his shoulder at the Luxan) C'mon D'Argo! We're friends!
D'Argo: (villainously smug) No more human! (he turns a little to show his quarry a big yellow OZME rocket with red fins that has suddenly appeared strapped to his back) You can run as much as you like! But I'm gonna catch ya! (John looks horrified as he whips back around and slams his cockpit canopy shut. It's engine roars to life with a sound straight outta Duck Rogers In The 24-1/2 Century. D'Argo fires up his OZME rocket and they're off)
And we mean off. The scene now shifts to a new venue in John’s Head. Space in this part of our heroes psyche is very busy. Pink and yellow asteroids share the cosmos with the occasional toaster and Kubrick-style space station. Planets dot the universe like multicolored marbles. Enter John. He's become a handsome, green-shirted Cartoon Hero on his module - which has sprouted a little airhorn, handlebars, a headlight and is ridden like a space-going motorcycle. Perky cartoon music completes the experience.
ToonJohn: (having a great time as he dips and dives around asteroids) Yeeeeeeeeeee-haw! (ah but those OZME rockets work really well while they work - and ToonD'Argo is gaining fast. He's flying like Superman, except with his teeth clenched and his fists balled up. As he draws closer to ToonJohn, the Luxan whips out his Qualta and takes a swipe at his head - which the human ducks) YIKE! C'mon man! Chill before somebody gets hurt!
ToonD'Argo: (as they dodge a shower of little maroon asteroids) Any guesses who? Runt!
ToonJohn: Better look out!
ToonD'Argo: (with a derisively villainous laugh) Right! Like I'm gonna fall far that!
Famous last words - for at that moment ToonD'Argo is broadsided by a large, fast moving, dented-up object whose solar panels are bent and raggedy and whose body sports a few band-aids. It's the MIR Space Station! ToonD'Argo's cartoon Qualta goes flying, end over end into the void as the Luxan blinks stupidly from where he's plastered against the front of the MIR. The radio signal of an indignant Russian seems to be finding his teeth useful as an amplifier. ToonJohn pulls up his module and looks back-
ToonJohn: God! I love science fiction! (and with a double toot of his little horn - he's off again)
But cartoon hunters don't let little things like being mowed down by grotty space stations stop them. The scene shifts to later - on a pink and lavender cartoon alien landscape where a little box labeled OZME ROCKET SURFER KIT sits empty. ToonD'Argo is nearby testing a rope attached to his ankle by a yellow cuff. The other end of the rope is attached to a blue and red rocket turbine the size of a minibus. A green surfboard is strapped to the top of the rocket with a giant leather belt. ToonD'Argo seems very pleased with this contraption as he jumps up onto the surfboard and waits.
ToonJohn duly appears in the distance speeding down a lonely road on the pink and lavender landscape. He screeches to a halt and happily peruses a sign which reads “THIS WAY HOME” before continuing on, leaving a trail of little dust clouds in his wake. ToonD'Argo, seeing that the human has taken his bait - presses a big red button on the side of his rocket which - along with the belt and the surfboard roar out from underneath him. He hangs for a moment in midair before plopping to the ground, looking mighty annoyed. Then he looks mighty horrified as he sees the big coil of safety rope that attaches him to the rocket spooling out very fast. As the turbine screams away over the alien landscape, ToonD'Argo fumbles at the rope - but not fast enough and he's abruptly yanked up by the leg as the turbine reaches the end of its tether. He scrabbles frantically at the ground as his tunic flips up to reveal his yellow polka-dotted red shorts. Then he manages to get upright and sand-skis a ways before becoming airborne. Luckily, he slams into a little tree with 11 leaves on it and manages to hand on. The progress of the rocket is halted just as it's about to go off a cliff. But unfortunately, instead of just stopping, it now rebounds - taking ToonD'Argo and the 11 leaves off the little tree. As the leaves settle to the ground and the rocket continues on with ToonD'Argo draped over its exhaust.
A dot of a shadow grows on a purple rock face. It is the shadow of the OZME ROCKET SURFER as it approaches and slams, rear-end first, into the rock. The silence is broken by the sound of a hand-cranked eggbeater as the shredded remains of ToonD'Argo are puttered out the turbine end of the rocket into a little heap on the ground. His eyeballs blink suddenly out of the heap, followed by his legs, which enables the little pile of ToonD'Argo to crab-walk off to reassemble himself in private.
The scene shifts to later. The pink and lavender landscape is revealed to be the flat bottom of an upside-down mountain range shaped rock floating in a spectacular glowing green nebula. ToonD'Argo has recovered from his rocket surfing fiasco and is pounding an arrow-shaped sign into the ground with a big mallet. Upon the sign is scrawled “WORMHOLE THIS WAY”
He then dashes to the base of a huge nearby lavender rock formation and paints a dark blue spiral inside a splash of pale blue - a cartoon wormhole - before dashing off the hide. He pokes his head out and gloats as ToonJohn soars onto the upturned mountain, oblivious to the lurking danger.
ToonJohn: (blithely) This is Farscape 1 - I am free and flying! (he settles into a low run across the pink and lavender landscape, gaily rocking his little cartoon module from side to side as he hums “The Ride of the Valkyries.” He hits the brakes as he comes to ToonD’Argo’s little sign and his eyes light up with pleasure at these convenient directions to the wormhole) WHOA-HO! (and off he goes on the detour. He heads for the painted-on vortex at full speed - and of course disappears into it with a gleeful whoop) WORMHOOOOLE!
ToonD’Argo’s jaw drops. But he quickly picks it up off the ground and runs furiously out in front of his 'wormhole' where he starts his rocket pack which has reappeared on his back and proceeds to hurtle off in pursuit of the human. But of course the painted-on wormhole doesn't work for him and he impacts the rock face rather resoundingly. His flattened body unpeels and wafts like a bit of paper towards the ground - but just before getting there his body poofs back into shape so he falls the last foot or so, kicking up little blown dust clouds when his hits. A D'Argo-shaped purple spot marks the bulls-eye on his faux wormhole.
ToonD’Argo’s frustration is almost unbearable now and he's ready to stoop to really crazy schemes to catch the human. The scene shifts to later - he has a silver rocket the size of a blimp strapped to his back. The yellow-tipped nose of the thing is propped up by a stick with a U-shaped thing on its end. As ToonJohn comes rocking merrily by on his module, humming Wagnerian classics - the Luxan presses a red button on the side of his giant rocket. The thing shudders to life with a massive spume of flame. But the rockets shuddering knocks the stick propping it up out from under it and it thuds to the ground, sending up little clouds of dust and raising a nice crater ridge around where it lays. No doubt ToonD'Argo has a shovel to dig himself out from under it eventually...
ToonJohn looks cheerfully over his shoulder at ToonD’Argo’s plight - but he has other things on his mind right now as he soars back up into cartoon space.
ToonJohn: YO HARVEY! FRONT AND CENTER DUDE! (on cue - the 'tooned clone falls out of nowhere with a yelp and lands on the nose of the little module, facing ToonJohn - who proceeds to taunt him with a little sing-song chant) Pilot was right - you were wrong! Pilot was right - you were wrong! (the clones eyes narrow with annoyance) If I keep running - nothing can hur- (but before he can finish - he runs them smack-dab into a space spider web. They're thrown off the module - the human lands in the web and the clone on a little maroon asteroid)
ToonScorpius/Harvey: Nothing can hurt you. Is that what you're trying to say? (but before ToonJohn can answer - ToonD'Argo appears. He's morphed into a spider version of his cartoon self and ToonJohn, stuck in the web, screams in terror as the spiderized ToonD'Argo charges him with his cartoon Qualta blade poised to strike)
(cut abruptly back to the Medlab in John’s Head. The brain wave pattern display over the humans head is flattening out and slowing down and Scorpius/Harvey is straddling him on the exam table. He pries open one of the dying mans eyes and calls to him as if he were far away)
Scorpius/Harvey: You can only run for so long John! Even in the childlike safety of your cartoon! My way - will sustain you! (John’s eye blinks against the clones black-gloved fingers) Mothers milk - (he is now seen to be straddling John because he's performing CPR on him. With every chest compression - he grunts out a word of his point) Brutal - Real - Revenge! (he stops CPR again long enough to lean forward and bawl into John’s still face and staring eye-) JOHN? TAKE - REVENGE - JOHN! (and like a Good Buddy - he nods encouragingly at his human host and smiles)
(cut to Pilot’s Den where the Great Navigator is speaking in a tone somewhere between ingratiating, encouraging and professorial to Jool as she paces in front of his Console)
Pilot: Chiana’s efforts with the DRDs have restored minimal functioning. We now have a presence in the maintenance bay and - our analysis of that ships energy signature indicates it - will explode in just under an arn.
Jool: (quietly) Under an arn?
Pilot: (apologetically) An - estimate - only.
Jool: Can you do something?
Pilot: (his earlier tone is now understandable as fear - and the desire to calm his crew by not showing it as he says gently) We will - not be able to expel that ship.
Jool: So we're all gonna die?
Pilot: (carefully, hesitantly, trying to choose his works so as not to cause upset) Moya and myself, certainly. However - I may have a way to save you. Take food, liquids and a long-range frequency modulator to tier 16s' treblin side pressure hatchway. You- should be able to survive a few solar days prior to hypothermia - (Jool sobs) - if I jettison it.
Jool: (tearfully) Oh... Pilot!
Pilot: (almost a whisper) Go.
Jool: (sobbing) We can't just leave you!
Pilot: (firm - but despairing for himself and Moya) Go!
(cut to Chiana as she enters the maintenance/hangar bay armed with a flashlight and a gun. She's in the middle of a conversation via comm with Jool)
Chiana: Gotcha Princess. Treblin side hatch, tier 16. I'm gonna try something - then I'll meet you in the cold storage. We're not leaving without Crichton.
Jool: (on comm) But Pilot said-
Chiana: (quickly interrupting Jool with what Pilot said) AN ARN! Load the supplies. Do - what I tell you. (she signs off comm and says to herself) Children! (and with that, she marches up the steps into D’Argo’s little ship. He's sitting there at its controls and moping)
D'Argo: (dejected) Nothing works. I've failed.
Chiana: Move D'Argo. Let Mommy shoot it.
D'Argo: Nonononono - it won't let you.
Chiana: Well let's get outta here.
D'Argo: (he heaves a big sigh) I don't like to lose.
Chiana: (as she turns to leave) Well then why'd you let go of me? (yow - that does it - D’Argo’s frustration boils over)
D'Argo: OH BE- (the remainder of his response descends into such low Luxan that everyone’s translator microbes call in sick. But - he little alien ship seems to like the Vulgate - for with a few electronic bleeps - a display winks on and begins to perform. Chiana turns back and leans over D’Argo’s shoulder. They watch as glowing golden lines form boxes filled with runic symbols)
Chiana: What'd you say?
D'Argo: (excited) Just something Luxan. My Grandfather used to say it all the time. (he reaches out to touch the display and a new pattern of boxes and symbols form. Chiana swats his hand away)
Chiana: Hey! What're you doing?
D'Argo: I'm not quite sure - but I think - that is a Luxan symbol for “spoken word.”
Chiana: You can read that?
D'Argo: A little bit. I'm not really up on my Ancient Luxan. (and suddenly - the little ship speaks. It speaks in a deep, electronic voice that sounds a lot like D'Argo when he's cursing - except calmer - like a machine cursing. D'Argo listens intently)
Chiana: What? (D'Argo makes no response but to shake his head) What's it saying? (beat) What?
D'Argo: I don't know!
Chiana: Well is it Luxan?
Chiana: Well then how could you not know? (D'Argo grabs her and sits her down hard in the co-Pilot’s chair)
D'Argo: (impatiently vehement) I am not Ancient Luxan. I do not speak Ancient Luxan and I do not read Ancient Luxan because I am NOT Ancient Luxan!
Chiana: (wearily) And not likely to become one either.
(cut to soon after as D'Argo enters Pilot’s Den. Pilot is not pleased to see him. Neither does much listening to the other as they shout over each other)
Pilot: (annoyed as all hell) KA D'ARGO! MOYAS DEAD LANGUAGE LIBRARY IS INCOMPLETE!
D'Argo: What about ancient war declarations?
Pilot: MY ACCESS TO IT AT THIS TIME EVEN MORE SO!
D'Argo: There's even some historical transcriptions of SPEECHES!
Pilot: At BEST I can find words!
D'Argo: You can even try some anti-Luxan propaganda!
Pilot: Fragments of words!
D'Argo: Pilot! That ship is trying to kill us! I need to know why it speaks Luxan! (wouldn't it just be better to know what it's saying?)
Pilot: (loud and huffy) DRDs can prepare a supplemental translator microbe-
D'Argo: (shouting over Pilot) Good! Good! Do it! JUST DO IT! (he turns and stalks out)
Pilot: - injection with any data I a- (he doesn't bother finishing his sentence since D'Argo's halfway out the door and just cuts himself off with a little squawk of fury) Aahh!
(cut to Chiana and Jool as they prepare for the worst. They have the comatose John on a gurney and are pushing it through Moya’s corridors towards either the airlock on tier 16 that they all may be calling home soon)
Jool: (incredulous and annoyed) How can he not learn his ancient tongue? What kind of civilization doesn't pass on its culture?
Chiana: (with the calm of a woman who isn't much into her own civilization) They're warriors. Most of them didn't learn to read or write until 300 cycles ago.
Jool: (grumbling more to herself than to Chiana) That's ridiculous! It's savage. I'll wager there are no artists or chefs there either.
Chiana: What is your problem? (Jool halts their progress and faces her)
Jool: (flatly) I did it.
Chiana: You usually do. What?
Jool: I was in his ship.
Chiana: (very quiet) What?
Jool: (losing her nerve) I-I didn't mean to. I-
Chiana: (suddenly not so tolerant of the cultural traits of others) You - need to die horribly.
Jool: (angry) Oh like you never screw up!
Chiana: You gonna compare this to anything *I* do?
Jool: Don't you think I feel bad? (she grabs the gurney and yanks it onward) And here I confide in you! (Chiana mutters furiously as Jool yammers angrily) And what do you do? You turn on me! (the spat descends into a high-pitched yelling match dominated by Jool’s furious shouting and underscored by Chiana’s sullen, growled diatribe of blame and pessimism which can be summed up with the only word she can be clearly heard as saying - “Frelled.” But Jool, who's making most of the noise ends round one of their tralk fight with a demand) JUST SHUT UP! (there's a moment of silence as they stop and catch their breath) All right.
Jool: All right.
Chiana: You go.
Jool: All right. I've given it a lot of thought-
Chiana: Okay. (but both of them are too close to hysteria to listen to the other and as they resume pushing the gurney they begin talking at the same time again)
Jool: - and I think actually-
Chiana: I think the best thing to do right now is just to calm down and figure this out.
Jool: - maybe it was something Crichton did. And while things are still bad-
Chiana: There's nothing we can DO about it right now so- (from about that point their chat deteriorates into gibberish to the ears of any third party listener)
Jool: - there's no reason D'Argo should be mad at me is there? (they hit a big bump with the gurney and John flops and grunts - but they just keep on going and nattering - each to herself really) just don't know how I can make my point when you will not-
Chiana: Skelnick! Would you just- (they let the gurney - which they don't notice is now unoccupied - roll gently into a wall, and turn to face each other at close range)
Jool&Chiana: - stop talking!
Chiana: Okay. Now it's my turn. (at that moment, D'Argo rounds the bend several feet away from them but they're too focused on each other to notice) Are you gonna do the right thing- (that's as far as she gets before Jool starts sniping back and the conversation is lost in an angry feminine babble again. Probably for the better) -and my personal hatred for you will be satisfied- (their caterwauling crescendos briefly to intolerable levels - but thankfully D'Argo intervenes with a stentorian bellow)
D'Argo: GIIIRRRLS! WHAT - (their heads snap around as he calls their attention to poor John - who was bumped right off his gurney earlier and onto the floor) - ARE YOU DOING? HUH?!
Jool: (stuck for an answer) Ah.. uh..
Chiana: (she's a better liar and say brightly) Having a conversation? (Jool flashes a sickly smile and nods vigorously before they both dive for their bobbled patient)
D'Argo: (annoyed out of his skull) “Having a conversation.” Obviously very interesting- Listen! This is my ONLY CHANCE with these translator microbes! If it doesn't work - BE HERE - READY! Okay? (he storms off back to the hangar. Jool makes a move to catch him and fess up. But Chiana, with a squeal intended to signify cheerful compliance to the Luxan and discourage the Interions honesty, pounces on her)
Chiana: (with quiet urgency) Now you listen to me. D'Argo has a lot on his mind at the moment. If we survive - you tell him anything you like.
Jool: I just need to-
Chiana: (cutting her off) NO! (beat) Do not - do not tell him. (she rises, and leaves Jool alone to deal with getting John back onto the gurney)
(and with a flash of white light - the scene shifts to - John’s Head. He's lying on the floor in Moya’s corridor with his head in Jool’s lap as she watches Chiana stalk away)
John: (in a gushy tone) Isn't she great?
Jool: (flatly) Yeah I'm thrilled with our relationship.
John: (he gets up and gathers his golden sheet) Well - D'Argo and I aren't gettin' along too good these days either. (he takes Jool’s hand and pulls her up as well)
Jool: (with sarcasm) Ye-ah! He put you in a coma!
John: I gotta figure out what to do about that. (he tosses the sheet onto the gurney and helps Jool push it to a safe spot)
Jool: How hard's that? You're gonna die.
John: Well - Scorpy thinks I should get revenge. Pilot wanted me to run - but that didn't work. You got any ideas? (he gets back onto his gurney and Jool helps him arrange his sheet)
Jool: You once said to me that our species might be related. If that's true - you have to have a measure of intelligence about you. Which means you can reason. Be honest. Talk to him. Work out the problem. (John lies down and folds his hands on his chest thoughtfully as Jool finishes) Conflict's for barbarians.
(cut to Moya’s transport hangar where the little alien ship sits on the gloom and continues with its self-destruct sequence. Cut to its interior where D'Argo sits at its controls, eyes closed, listening to the soft grumble of its electronic voice speaking its ancient language. Jool enters the ship. She believes in the advice John just imagined her giving, and has decided to disregard Chiana’s warning)
Jool: (very softly) D'Argo? (he opens his eyes and exhales, as if he were expecting her visit and not looking forward to it. There's a long silence as she makes her way to his side and sits down in the co-Pilot’s seat. Only when it's obvious she won't go away does he shut off the low voice of his ship) I think it may have been me. I was in here earlier. I didn't touch anything - I was just here.
D'Argo: (seething as he holds up a bright red-gold snarl, Jool gasps) I found THIS in the control! Your HAIR! (and he slams it down in front of her)
Jool: Are you going to kill me?
D'Argo: (quietly furious) I've already hurt Crichton today. That's enough.
Jool: (sincerely) I didn't mean to cause any of this-
D'Argo: WELL WHAT DID YOU MEAN?! I MEAN - WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN HERE? (he bows his head in regretful frustration over the ships controls and takes a deep breath)
Jool: (fighting back tears and humiliation) I know - that I can be -difficult. (D'Argo snorts derisively) That no one wants to spend time with me. You're someone who - I like. (D'Argo looks up, but not at her, realizing that she is making a very difficult confession) And I know that since the problems with your son and Chiana - that you've preferred to be alone. In here - I just thought - if this is so important to you - that maybe... Maybe if I learned a little about it - we might have something to talk about.
D'Argo: (there's a long silence while his anger and his compassion duke it out. His compassion wins and he says softly) Thanks for making the effort.
(speaking of psyches - cut to John’s Head. He's shuffling through the corridors of Moya, practicing the intellectual, reasonable conversation Jool thinks he ought to have with D'Argo)
John: (muttering) D'Argo, we're friends, right? An-and friends don't let friends drive drunk. I mean that's just... (well that needs a little polish... But suddenly, as he passes the open door to one of Moya’s cells, the sound of feminine throat-clearing of the sort designed to get someone’s attention - gets his attention. He freezes in mid-shuffle, backs up and peeps into the open cell. Then he turns towards the cartoon woman standing there looking at him and with a downcast, schoolboy smile says-) Wow. You look great.
The cartoon woman does a sultry sashay forward into the light and stands there with her hands on her hips. God help us all - it's ToonAeryn. John’s adolescent male fantasies right there for us all to boggle at. ToonAeryn has the hourglass figure the real Aeryn never will without several pounds of implants. She's clad in black stockings and a short, filmy, red and purple robe that is open to the waist because it's just too small to close over her softball-sized girls. But ToonAeryn's attitude is on the money as she stares at him, unsmiling, her eyebrows curled up on the inside ends, clearly annoyed. She looks down at herself and asks flatly-
ToonAeryn: Hmph. Is this the best you could do?
John: (shyly) I uh... I miss you. (his eyes wander to those loomas)
ToonAeryn: (dryly) Obviously. (glaring) Where are my clothes?
John: On Talyn. You and that - other guy the other me - you're not - (he scratches his ear and wiggles his fingers) - aahh-?
ToonAeryn: (she breaks eye contact and shakes her head) Mm - don't do it to yourself John.
John: Right. (he turns and starts to shuffle off. But he's stopped in his tracks by ToonAeryn who gestures to herself and snaps a demand at him)
ToonAeryn: Oh! Nonono! Before you go you fix this! (you wanna be fixed? John'll fix ya. Without a word, he fetches a green cartoon pencil that's as tall as he is and erases here amid the requisite rubbery squeaking associated with cartoon erasers. He pauses for a moment - getting a fix on what she looks like in his minds eye - and then draws Aeryn’s face - attached to the body of Jessica Rabbit complete with a big blob of red hair, painted-on gown slit to there, opera-length gloves and boobs that project into the next time zone. John looks pleased. ToonAeryn looks disgusted) Mm-hm. I get it - (she snatches the pencil from John as she does the standard, sway -backed Jessica Rabbit roll with much heaving of those poor overburdened pectorals) - I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way. Oh please! At least use some imagination! (she snaps the pencil in two over her knee - John wants to play games? She can play games till he chokes on his own spit. She does a little Tasmanian Devil spin and when she stops - it's Aeryn Monroe complete with beauty mark, blonde pouf, white halter dress and hot air vent. Oh and er - singing talents about the norm for pin-up queens - as she warbles breathy to tinkly piano music-) Happy Biiirthdaay Mr Astronauauauat... (John gapes and smiles as she oh-so demurely tries to keep her skirt down, but before he can get too used to the thrill, she does another little whirl and reappears as Cleopatra. Of the, er - “Cleopatra 2525” variety, bobbed black hair, too much blue eye shadow, low-cut midriff-baring tank top and a skirt that consists of a belt with a strip of white cloth hanging off it - which reveals the udjat eye tattoo on her hip) Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?
John: (with a lean and hungry look) Honey - that's the wrong Shakespeare. (oh you want a pithy quote? ToonAeryn whirls and emerges as a lost little girl in a blue dress, anklets and pigtails. She's holding a little dog that growls at John - no doubt for having fantasies about little lost girls - as she clicks her ruby red slippers together 3 times and says-)
ToonAeryn: (wistfully) There's no place like home. (WHIRL - It's Madonna Aeryn with headset mike and a dominatrix corset with traffic-cone tits) Hey Johnny! Like a virgin? (WHIRL - It's Aeryn Lee Anderson from Baywatch complete with maybe 3 whole brain cells and a pair of silicon beach balls. She rolls her eyes up and sticks a finger in her mouth to help herself Think Really Hard) I'd... like... (oh yeah! She remembers now!) Rescue you!
John: (leering, his teeth are looking wetter than usual) Can you do that Sharon Stone thing? Basic Instinct. (WHIRL - great. Aeryn Reagan, pop-eyed, scrawny, overdressed older rich lady, wagging her finger at him)
ToonAeryn: (reproachfully) Johnny - just say-
John: (alarmed) NO!
ToonAeryn: There's a good boy. (WHIRL - and it's back to just Aeryn, the ex-PK in black vest and pants, only a little sexed-up with a lot more than the usual skin showing between the vest and the pants - but much closer to her actual unadorned, angular, A-cuppish self) Thank you. Now - what are you going to do about D'Argo?
John: (shaking his head, flummoxed by his predicament) I dunno. I'm supposed to talk to him - not really sure what to say. Any advice, help-?
ToonAeryn: (she spots something over John’s shoulder) D'ARGO! (John turns - sure enough that darn Luxan is trying to creep up on him again! D'Argo quickly ducks, as if hoping they'll forget they saw him, but it's too late and he slowly re-emerges as Aeryn demands-) D'Argo could you just leave young Johnny alone please?
D'Argo: (he gives it some deep, insincere, thought) Uuuummmm... No. (and with that, he hisses Luxanishly -John egresses and the chase is on)
ToonAeryn: (calling after John in a Southern accent) Run, Forrest! Run!
And the saga inside John’s Head continues while in reality, the human lies on his gurney with sensors dotting his chest and forehead. He and D'Argo have resumed their cartoon forms and are back on the pastel-colored landscape of some cartoon alien world. ToonD'Argo is trying the old Wormhole Painted On A Rock trick again. This time he's added a pair of larger than life bathing beauties. He scurries into hiding as John comes joyriding by on his little module, humming Wagner. Once again he sees D’Argo’s detour sign and zooms off for the wormhole. He pulls up on cue to ogle the painted bimbos - but he's not entirely taken in.
ToonJohn: (looking around) C'mon D! Let's l-let's talk this out.
ToonD'Argo: (leaping out of cover with a big cartoon sci-fi gun) Hah-hah! Never!
ToonJohn: (paying his respects to the guardians of the wormhole) Ladies! (and he plunges into the wormhole again and is gone)
ToonD'Argo is left spluttering with rage. He throws down his gun and stalks over to the painted wormhole. He isn't stupid enough to try running into it again, but he reaches out with one finger and to his stunned amazement - his hand disappears into it with a little splashing sound. So he backs up - and takes a run at it - and this time he disappears into it as well.
But a second later - he comes back out - plastered against the cylindrical lower section of the original Starship Enterprise as it emerges. He pries his face out of the dent it made in the venerable vessel just in time to hear a cartoon Scottish voice say from somewhere
Scottie: Cap'n! We've hit som'n' wi' the front o' the ship! (the Enterprise screeches to a halt - and then hits the warp pedal and is gone. A little tinkle and flash marks its disappearance)
Later, ToonJohn has parked his module and is walking across the alien landscape, determined to try out Jool’s advice. But first he has to find ToonD'Argo.
ToonJohn: (looking around as he calls) D'Argo! We're friends big man! How 'bout a little rock/paper/scissors to work through your- (he comes to a sudden halt as he walks, nose first, into the barrel of a gun held by the Luxan) -anger...
ToonD'Argo: I - don't think so John.
ToonJohn: You'd really shoot me? We could get counseling! I know a guy- (ToonD'Argo fires. But unfortunately the barrel of his gun appears to have a loose screw. The human swats it, the barrel swivels up and the shot flies into the air. Snarling, ToonD'Argo pushes the barrel back into proper firing position and fires again. But his former friend slaps the barrel again and the shot goes into the ground with a tinny ping) Dr Chuck Jones wrote the- (the Luxan fixes his gun again and the human smacks it down again before starting his sentence over) Dr Chuck Jones wrote the book on these situations. (ToonD'Argo nods as if he agrees to this - but he doesn't lower his gun. ToonJohn slaps its barrel and sets it spinning like a roulette wheel. As it spins, he casually tosses and catches its sight with one hand. Annoyed, ToonD'Argo stops the spinning barrel and makes to fire again. But ToonJohn plops the sight back onto the gun - at ToonD’Argo’s end of the barrel. The Luxan pushes it back to its proper position. The human slides it back to the base of the barrel. The Luxan pushes it back to the muzzle end of the barrel and ToonJohn shrieks girlishly as ToonD'Argo fires. The shot of course comes out of the back of the barrel - where the sight is and when the smoke clears, ToonD’Argo’s eyes are blinking out of the black, spiky ball that his head has become. He delicately swivels the entire barrel of the gun around so the end with the sight on it is pointing away from him and fires again. And again the humans is unscathed as the cartoon gun goes off in the Luxans face from that position too. An extra large cloud of smoke ends the scene which shifts to the human as he's walking away, looking for his advisor) Jool! Babe! You were right! (but at that moment, ToonD'Argo uses the gun in the only way it'll ever work for him - as a club - and the human is bashed over the head with its butt)
ToonD'Argo: You think so? (ToonJohn keels over and lays at the Luxans feet) You think you can reason with me? (he raises the gun over his head to deliver a fatal blow, ToonJohn screams and-)
The scene shifts to elsewhere in John’s Head - to where he's laying on his gurney dying. The brain wave image over his head is barely moving as his scream fades into the sound of Scorpius/Harvey yelling
Scorpius/Harvey: CLEEAAR! (he applies defibrillator paddles to John chest and the humans body jumps as the electrical current hits his heart) Clear! (he tries it again and John jumps, but doesn't wake. The clone, who's capped, masked, gloved and gowned like a good doctor, yells with frustration and throws the paddles aside. He rushes to the corner of the room for the Special Equipment (that you never know about 'cos you're always unconscious when they use it.) He grabs a mop and bucket, throws the mop down and heaves the dirty mop water into John’s face. The human immediately sits up, mouth and eyes pinched shut and spluttering. Scorpius/Harvey peers anxiously at him) You feel the life ebbing from both of us John? The creep of cadaverous cold? Achilles - I believe - your strength. - has a weakness! (John shakes the water off himself like a dog) Your stubbornness has served you well in the past but now it is killing you John! These cartoons are a crutch! Attempting to shield yourself instead of doing what is called for - revenge. (John looks like he might be ready to consider the clones advice...)
(the scene shifts to reality. Pilot seems calmer now as he speaks to D'Argo via comm. The Luxan is still sitting in his little ship with Jool)
Pilot: D'Argo - the DRD should be there any microt. (a DRD has indeed somehow gotten up the steps into the alien ship and is making its way straight for D'Argo) All I could do was piece together fragments of language. An incomplete vocabulary - at best.
D'Argo: That's all anyone can ask Pilot. Let's give it a shot.
Pilot: The DRD will inject you. (the little yellow droid extends its hypo with a sound like a dentists drill and applies it to the Luxans booted ankle. D'Argo mutters a pained curse as the injection is delivered and both he ad Jool wince. The DRD rolls away and D'Argo turns the ships cryptic display with its low grumble of gibberish, back on. Then he waits, and listens)
Jool: (after a brief pause, quietly) What's it say? (the Luxan shushes her as he stares intently at the display - which is suddenly dominated by 3 large characters, each in its own glowing box. Jool can't stand the suspense) D'Argo you have to tell me!
D'Argo: (after a brief pause, he begins to slowly translate) Active self-destruct code can be voided with one of 3... (he stops, unsure, and Jool prompts him to go on) Pre! Pre-determined ah - artifacts singular to Luxan heritage. Ancient Freedom Text. (aside to Jool) That's very rare. (translating) An Orican's Prayer Amulet. (to Jool, in quiet despair at the wildly arcane articles named) This is - hopeless. (the gravelly electronic voice of the ship begins to repeat the names of the 3 items over and over and as we begin to hear with D’Argo’s translator microbe equipped ears - we begin to recognize the name of the third silver bullet at the same time he does)
LuxanShip: Ahfah. Deltoh. Qualta blade. (D'Argo suddenly goes very quiet)
Jool: What? (D'Argo just stares into space) What? What does it want? (D'Argo recalls the sight of his Qualta blade, sailing end over end over end into the vast abyss beneath Pilot’s station, glinting silver as it vanished into the depths. Jool slaps his arm insistently) What?
LuxanShip: Ahfah. Deltoh. Qualta blade...
(cut to soon after as D'Argo and Jool stride into Pilot’s Den. The 11th hour is winding down, but Chiana is already there, peering over the edge of the catwalk into the seemingly bottomless pit below)
Pilot: (urgently) With so little time left I suggest you all start to prepare- (everyone ignores him and D'Argo summarily cuts him off)
D'Argo: Begin searching immediately! (he joins Chiana to look into the airy depths beneath the catwalks. Pilot’s station sits atop a dimly glowing central tower whose base is all the way down in the neural clusters. It's connected to each level of Moya by maintenance catwalks) Now I threw it over in this direction here.
Jool: (incredulous to the point of squeakiness at the mans stupefying stupidity) Why would you DO that?
Chiana: Short version? Because of you.
D'Argo: Now - (he ignores them and concentrates on the problem at hand, breathless with nerves and hope at the glimmer of a chance of a way out of their predicament) - I heard it falling. So it could be on one of those tiers down there. Or uh - it could have fallen all the way down to the neural cluster.
Chiana: So we split up and search. (she starts to head out)
Pilot: (nervous and urgent) A caution! The DRDs use this empty cavern to deposit construction and repair refuse- (yeah only the DRDs make deposits down there. Pull the other one Pilot)
D'Argo: (cutting Pilot off again) It's a reasonable risk! Start searching!
(cut to John laying unattended on his gurney. A flash of white light takes us to inside John’s Head. he's in one of Moya’s corridors trying to catch Chiana who's being typically evasive, flitting in and out between the arching ribs of the great Leviathan’s halls while he tries to talk to her)
John: Hey Pip! (he catches her for a momentary face to face) You got a sec?
Chiana: Sure. (she ducks away and he catches up with her a few feet away, between another pair of ribs)
John: Are you up on everything that's goin' on?
Chiana: Yeah. You're dying.
Chiana: Scorpius wants you to get revenge. (John confirms this with a grunt) Pilot says, run like a - a scalded kepnetz.
Chiana: And Jool would talk D’Argo’s ear off - (in a dishy whisper) - till he committed suicide. (she flits away and John follows down the corridor in the direction she went, waiting for her to pop up again)
John: So ah - What do you think? (he peeks into the space between a couple of ribs - but jumps as she comes up behind him instead)
Chiana: (she throws herself against him, her back to his front and touches his face with her left hand ) Well revenge is sweet. (her hand drops, down to her side - and his front - as she whispers) It's always worth the effort.
(as Chiana’s hand drops out of sight in John’s head Jool makes a heaving sound of disgust - from where she is down at the very bottom of the pit beneath Pilot’s station. She has a flashlight and is wading in a lake of... construction and repair debris... that's about 3 feet deep. Its surface is covered with a floating scum of... scum... The scene shifts between her, Chiana and D'Argo as they speak via comm from their different locations)
Jool: (whining, sounding a bit ill) Uuuuggghhh! Why do I get the cellar and you guys get the catwalk? (cut respectively to Chiana and D'Argo as they conduct their search with flashlights on inky, junk-strewn catwalks) This place smells horrible!
Chiana: Guaranteed by your arrival.
Jool: (a sulky insult to Chiana) Sugnil!
D'Argo: (wearily reproachful) Chianaaah!
Chiana: (bitchy) What do you want D'Argo? What? I should bottle it up and become a Luxan?
D'Argo: Well, showing a little bit of self-restraint wouldn't hurt. (yelling over the edge of his catwalk) ANY LUCK?
Chiana: (answering on comm) Just crap and dren. (bits of junk rattle around as she crawls over heaps of plausible construction and repair debris) Hey Princess - watch out.
Jool: (upset down in her pool of muck) Watch out for what?
Chiana: Chunks of metal. Don't get hit.
Jool: (playing her flashlight over the oat-mealy surface of the pond) There's no metal down here - there's just muck. (pitifully) Do you have muck?
Chiana: Oh yeah. (in and 'If you only knew' sort of tone) Up to my crotch in it!
D'Argo: (perhaps the thought of Chiana crotch startles him - for he blunders into a heavy metal something that topples off his catwalk0) CHIANA! JOOL! WATCH OUT!
Jool: FOR WHAT? (she scrams as the piece of metal hits the sump near her, churning up a chunky splash of crap all over her. In the silence that follows, Chiana cocks her head and looks a bit perplexed as she moves on and Jool snarls shakily) You little slut!
D'Argo: No, no - it wasn't Chiana. It was me.
Jool: Then how did she know?
Chiana: (she seems shaken too as she resumes her search through Pilot’s housekeeping debris) I dunno. Just made sense.
(cut to John, laying dead to the world on his gurney. A flash of white moves the scene to John’s Head - where he is very much alive to his own world still and continuing his conversation with Chiana. He's tackled her and is making her stay in one spot by sitting on her. She doesn't seem to mind)
John: (as he lets the Nebari sit up and face him at close range) No revenge! No talking, no running - Come on baby you're the Sultana of Survival. What's left?
Chiana: (after a long pause while she thinks, their faces mere inches from one anthers) Be smarter. They always make it more complicated than what they need to. Use it against 'em. Screw 'em - at their own game.
John: (he pauses to take her advice in) That's good. (he plants a little smooch of thanks on the tip of her nose - and the scene immediately shifts to the suburb of ToonTown in his mind)
A white box labeled OZME - ONE (1) SHOVEL lays on the pink and orange ground of the alien landscape with its lavender rock formations and sea green sky. The sound of a hole being dug is heard. Nearby sits a wooden OZME crate. On one side of it is a red skull and crossbones and a big white sticker that says EXPLOSIVE. The other side of the crate identifies its contents as PROTO-NUCLEAR FROONTIUM.
The digger is ToonD'Argo. He finishes his excavation and tosses the shovel aside. Then he runs to a huge heap of glowing green sticks- most of them bundled together like dynamite. He picks up the whole pile, dumps it into the hole he just dug and proceeds to cover it all up. He tamps it down first with the shovel and then by jumping up and down on it. Then he dashes away for a minute which allows a panoramic view of his work. 6 hastily dug, filled, and covered holes surround a big “X” painted in the middle of the brown road that traverses the alien landscape. Most of the filled-in holes have sticks of the deadly green froontium rods poking out of them.
But he's not finished yet! He returns with another OZME product in a box the size of a pizza box. He flips it open - it IS a pizza! Then he whips out a BIG green can - not of OZME make - that says BIER on it and sets it next to the pizza. As little curls of pizza aroma rise from the OZME pie - he places the finishing touch - a big sign that says FREE BEER & PIZZA - ASTRONAUTS WELCOME. He had a little trouble with ASTRONAUTS thought and a red X is crossing out the AU and replacing then with a big, single U.
Having set his fiendishly clever trap, he hides behind a rock and waits. It doesn't take long before ToonJohn is seen speeding along the road on his module. Arriving at the beer and pizza, he brakes, hops off and grabs the suds and a slice. ToonD'Argo can barely contain his gleeful sniggering. He strikes a match - and lights the long fuse leading to the froontum. Yes folks - you set off proto-nuclear froontum with a match. What rock have you been living under?
But as he drops the lit fuse, squeezes his eyes shut and plugs his ears - someone reaches up from under him and strikes another match - and then lights the tip of the little braid of orange hair that dangles from his chin. As the froontium fuse and ToonD’Argo’s chin braid sizzle, the Luxans eyes fly open. ToonJohn immediately pops up beside him, arms folded and a smug grin on his face. ToonD'Argo glares and points the human to where he's supposed to be - standing on the X in the road. ToonJohn plays dumb and calls the Luxans attention to his burning braid. ToonD'Argo is enraged and draws his Qualta as his braid-fuse reaches his chin - and of course he blows up in a blinding series of yellow and orange cartoon flashes.
(cut back to Pilot’s Den where Chiana, D'Argo and Jool continue their quest for the Luxans lost blade. The scene shifts between the 4 of them as they talk via comm. In the deepest depths of the pit - Jool startles as the squirrel-like chittering sound of something swooping past her is heard)
Jool: (her voice wavers with dread) Pilot?
Pilot: Yes Joolushko?
Jool: (haltingly, as she tries to fight her squeamishness) Are there - other things - living in Moya - (suddenly the air around her is filled with sounds reminiscent of a buggy, nighttime rainforest) - with us?
Pilot: (pleased to provide information on Moya’s fecund personal ecosystem) A panoply of harmless parasites. Many serving symbiotic functions. Perhaps you're hearing the Hodian Trill-Bat swarms.
Jool: (with a few little sobs of knowing) Do these - Hodian Bat things - (in a tone praying that she's wrong. Oh so wrong...) - leave droppings?
Pilot: (delighted with her interest) Extensively. Their effluvium spreads along Moya’s inner hull, and helps seal microscopic cracks.
Chiana: (softly, with a little smirk and chortle) Bat dren!
Pilot: (relishing the productivity of Moya’s bats and sure Jool will be happy too) You're walking through it.
Jool looks up from the middle of the fjord of feces at the bottom of Pilot’s Den and lets rip a long, earsplitting, metal-melting Interion teakettle shriek. D'Argo braces himself against the banshee screech like a tree against a mighty wind. Chiana dives for cover and Pilot screams too as he pinches his eyes shut and he buries his face in all 4 claws.
The scene shifts to John’s Head where the battle of wits with ToonD'Argo is in its second round. The Luxan is sitting in the gunners seat at the base of a gigantic silver and grey cannon with a little sight on its tip. He snickers with wicked satisfaction as he leans forward and peers into the cannons targeting display. The pastel colors of the alien landscape are fogged in the green of the target scan as he casts about for his prey. Almost immediately the grinning face of ToonJohn fills the display. ToonD'Argo passes his, swings the sight back and misses again before finally centering his crosshairs on ToonJohn’s dopey smile.
ToonD'Argo wastes no time in firing and ToonJohn’s face disappears in a puff of smoke as the giant cannon jumps back several feet from the force of its kick. ToonD'Argo chortles triumphantly as he peers into the target display to view the results of his work. But alas - the smoke clears and ToonJohn’s goofily smiling face fills the target display - unscathed.
ToonJohn: Missed me. Hah!
ToonD'Argo is livid. He lunges for the cannon trigger and fires again. Again the kick of the shot makes the monster gun jump backwards - within feet of the edge of a cliff. He peers into the target display where the cloud of smoke from the blast dissipates amid little squeegee squeaking sounds. Triumphant - he sits back and dusts off his hands. But ToonJohn is straddling the end of the cannon and grabs the sight to twist it around and grin into it.
So great is ToonD'Argo fury that steam whistles from his ears. He fires a third shot and the cannons kick bucks the entire gun off the edge of the cliff where it hangs in mid-air. The Luxans eyes are fixed on his targeting display though, so ToonJohn stands up and calls for his attention.
ToonJohn: Yo D'Argo! (the Luxan leaps to his feet and stands there, quivering with rage and glaring at the human - who points) Look down.
ToonD'Argo looks down - and screams. ToonJohn hops off the cannon back onto the edge of the cliff and of course the cannon immediately starts its long plummet to the tiny landscape thousands of feet below. The Luxan looks up with dismay as he and the cannon disappear into the distance - but he's ready this time. He does a swan dive off the cannon and speeding past it - pulls the rip cord of a parachute on his back. He snickers smugly as he wafts slowly on down. But alas - the cannon - which is falling muzzle first - overtakes him and ToonD'Argo and his parachute disappear inside its giant barrel.
The cannon hits the ground with a resounding impact - burying itself muzzle first in the dirt up to its butt. There's a moment of silence before the rear hatch of the cannon flips open and the cartoon Luxan heaves himself out - looking REALLY annoyed. His parachute is stuck, and with a big yank, he pulls it out. But before he can hop off the giant, buried gun - it goes off. The force of its blast fired into the ground sends it and ToonD'Argo sailing straight back up.
He hurriedly wads up his parachute. The massive cannon reaches the apex of its explosive upward rise and slowly flips over to fall again, butt first. The Luxan takes another dive and this time the cannon passes him. He cringes as it again makes a thunderous impact into the ground - muzzle up. Relieved that he wasn't involved in THAT crash - ToonD'Argo wipes big droplets of cartoon seat off his face - which gives way to a look of abject horror as he wafts right down into the upturned barrel of the cannon. There's a moment of silence as his parachute settles limply over the muzzle opening - before the Big Gun goes off again.
A moment later - ToonD'Argo, his clothing shredded, hair all spiky, eyes crossed and little stars flying around his head, heaves himself out of the cannon and staggers away from it.
He stops and tries to collect himself - but his furious reverie is interrupted by the sizzle of a fuse burning nearby. To his dismay - he realizes he is standing on a big X in the middle of a road next to a FREE PIZZA sign surrounded by heaps of dirt with glowing green sticks of proto-nuclear froontium poking out of them... But before he can move or even have a free slice of pizza - there is a massive explosion.
Massive even from ToonJohn’s perspective back up at the top of the stiff. When the froontium mushroom clears, nothing can be seen but a big jagged black smudge bisecting the road far below.
The cartoon scene shifts to later. ToonD'Argo has recovered and is tying the old painted-wormhole-on-rock ruse again. As he finishes and stops to critically inspect his artwork, ToonJohn comes up behind him on his module and beeps his horn. Startled - the Luxan jumps forwards and plasters himself against the rock and the fake wormhole. As he topples backward onto the ground, the human grabs his bucket of paint and over paints the wormhole with a trompe l'oeil of the alien landscape around them. Then, as ToonD'Argo watches, he flies on into it as if he were just passing under a rock archway. He makes a u-turn and comes back to calmly regard ToonD'Argo from inside the painting. The Luxan is enraged, he jumps up and down, fists balled, teeth clenched - and charges the human - and of course brains himself against the invisible barrier of the rock face.
ToonJohn: Don't you get it D'Argo? Chiana was right. I can always outsmart you! You gotta admit it - my wormhole looks a lot better than yours.
ToonD'Argo: (apoplectic) YOU - DID NOT - PAINT - A WORMHOLE!
ToonJohn: (as he twirls a finger at the Luxan) You forgot to make yours swirly. (and in a true through-the-looking-glass moment - suddenly the side of the painted portal that the human is on becomes real and ToonD'Argo finds himself caught in the psychedelic swirl of a wormhole in the rock face that lifts him off his feet and begins to pull him in) Bye-bye! (and as ToonD'Argo disappears - the blue and green orb of a cartoon planet Earth replaces him at the center of the swirly vortex. ToonJohn is finished here) Well - this little spaceman's goin' home! (and with that, he pulls back his module to take a good run at his wormhole - which suddenly seems to be just a blue and darker blue spiral painted on a rock again. As he hurtles towards it he yells exuberantly-) Lock up the women and haaahde the fraahhed-chicken! (and he disappears - in a massive explosion of x-ray flashes and a cloud of smoke as he impacts the rock)
(the scene immediately shifts back to the Moya of John’s Head. He's laying on the floor amid the sounds of crashing glass and tearing metal. Flaming debris litters the deck and his face bloody and swollen. D'Argo is there, his Qualta blade drawn as he advances through the smoke and flames toward the wounded human)
John: (gasping, his voice thick with pain) I think I broke my leg.
D'Argo: (low and deadly) Did you think you could make up all the rules? Keep hiding behind a cartoon forever? (as John stares up at him, he raises his Qualta for the final blow)
John: NNNOOOOOOOOO-! (but his scream is cut off as the Qualta falls and slashes the life out of him)
(cut briefly to reality. John lays on his gurney. The brain wave display over his head in now just a series of flat red lines. A few dim, widely spaced crawl slowly across one of the lines)
The scene shifts back to John’s Head. Moya’s deck is knee-deep in mist and a fresh mound of dirt decorated with a little bouquet of daises is heaped in front of a tombstone. The tombstone reads R.I.P. HERE LIES JOHN CRICHTON, HUMAN, ASTRONUT, NATURAL BORN LOSER. Doleful organ music plays and lightning occasionally flashes as Scorpius/Harvey, wearing a parsons coat over his coolant suit, stands next to the tombstone and delivers a touching eulogy...
Scorpius/Harvey: Dearly beloved - we are gathered here today to pay our final respects and to say farewell to our dear friend - Commander John Crichton. A schmuck. (lightning crashes and thunder mutters) Mule-headed. Reckless. And probably brain-dead before I met him. Alas - his death - (he kneels next to the grave and says with a little snort of real regret) - is mine also. (he heaves another sigh and tosses down a handful of dirt in disgust) Even I don't know if it's too late. (the only other attendee of the funeral stands watching numbly from a few feet away) We could already be gone.
John: (dully) I love Aeryn. That should be enough.
Scorpius/Harvey: (with a frustrated sigh) Soft emotion - won't get the job done! (he rises and comes to stand next to the possibly deceased)
John: (tonelessly) Revenge?
Scorpius/Harvey: (he nods and whispers vehemently) Crichton to D'Argo! Man to Beast! (he claps John on the back and brings him a couple steps closer to the grave) Destroy the bastard John! If only in your own mind! (another roll of thunder and stutter of lightning as the human stares at his grave, transfixed)
John: (flatly pensive) Marty Goldstein stole my bike when I was 7. I went over to his house and I gave him a bloody nose.
Scorpius/Harvey: (with approval) Powerful emotion - revenge.
John: (sulky) Could'a just taken the bike back.
Scorpius/Harvey: Yes - but can you just take your life back?
John: (sadly) I don't - wanna be like other people. I don't wanna be like you. I don't wanna stoop that low. Kirk wouldn't stoop that low.
Scorpius/Harvey: (exasperated) That was a television show John! And he made Priceline commercials! (but never let it be said Scorpius in any form doesn't work with what he's got) But if you insist - then look to Kirk the way he really was - (clap of thunder) - savage when he had to be!
John: He's a fiction Harv. I know the difference. I'm real -I have to live with what I do.
Scorpius/Harvey: (with passion) You can no more ignore your biologic heritage - than change your grandparents birthplace! These - primitive animal urges you think you must resist - they're not relics from an uncivilized time! They are in you for a reason! (he turns his gaze to follow John’s, who hasn't taken his eyes off the tombstone) Because you need them! (the tombstone fades to a view of John laying on his gurney, under his golden sheet, under the dull hum of the flat-lining brainwave display) No cartoons John - you can take him!
The scene shifts to another place in John’s Head. He's somewhere on Moya, sitting in an easy chair, smoking a cigar that's approximately the size of Cuba and reading a newspaper, the Jonesville Star. His chair sits at the end of an aisle, or catwalk whose edges are lined with strips of glowing light. Ambient rosy light casts a dim glow on John and behind him, at the far end of the walkway, a shaft of white light silhouettes D'Argo.
The Luxan begins to walk slowly towards John. Suddenly a rake is laying in his path and he steps on it. Its handle flies up and thwaps him in the face with the sound of a cartoon frying pan coming into sudden contact with someone’s skull. D'Argo yells and makes a few enraged choking sounds before tossing the rake aside and resuming his pace towards John. But he doesn't get far before - with another yelp and a few barely suppressed curses - he steps into a big bucket. He looks down, but doesn't even bother trying to dislodge his foot from it. On he comes, each normal footfall followed by a loud metallic clomp. But alas - his progress is again interrupted - this time by a banana peel which someone has so rudely left laying about. D’Argo’s feet reach for the sky and he goes down with a yell and a crash. He's breathing heavily with rage now as he picks himself up and continues on, with the banana peel stuck to the edge of his bucket. John is ignoring all the commotion behind him with he greatest of aplomb as he puffs his cigar and reads his paper. But there's more and D'Argo lets fly a lusty bellow of pain as the sound of metal jaws snapping shut is heard. But with great effort, he shuffles onward - bucket clomping on one foot and dragging a giant cartoon-style leg trap and chain that's now attached to his other foot.
Arriving at the easy chair, D'Argo seizes its back and spins the human around to face him. John lowers his paper - whose headline screams FRUIT BATS ATTACK MEMPHIS - and cigar in hand, coolly eyes the glaring Luxan.
John: (a la Bugs Bunny) Eeehh - what's up D'Argo?
D'Argo: I'll tell you what's up - I'm gonna kill you!
John: I don't think so. (and with that, a lever suddenly appears beside his easy chair. He pulls it and a trapdoor opens beneath D'Argo, the bucket, the banana peel and the leg trap. The Luxan hovers there only a second before disappearing through it with a yell of dismay that segues into-)
(cut to the pit below Pilot station where the Hodian Trill-bats and Pilot knows what else swoop and cry in the darkness asJool flails and emits her own little high-pitched yips and screams of pure misery. Chiana and D'Argo are still cautiously making their fruitless search of the catwalks to the sounds of Jool’s distant yelps. The scene shifts between them and Pilot as they speak via comm)
Chiana: (muttering to herself) Frell.
D'Argo: (panting softly with anxiety) Chiana-?
Chiana: Still nothing. Pilot? (Jool’s contribution to the conversation is her steady stream of shrieks as she continues her search - sort of - of Guantanimo Bay)
Pilot: (he seems unnerved by Jool’s carryings on as much as he is by the dwindling time till the little ships detonation) I would suggest again that you head immediately to the escape hatchway. At least - save yourselves!
Jool: Good idea! And about time! (and with that - she turns and makes a mad splashy dash for shore - and trips. She goes down in the poop soup. Frantically, she scrabbles about in the turds and whey, trying to regain her footing - and freezes as her fingers touch something down there in the muck at the bottom. Her screams and yips fade to gasps and grunts of concentration. D'Argo and Chiana look over the edge of their catwalks)
D'Argo doesn't dare to hope as he shines his flashlight down into the marsh of manure. But Jool has no need of light for verily - her groping fingers connect with that which she tripped over and she whips it up and out in graceful arc to hold it, dripping, over her head as she sobs with sick triumph. The Lady in the Lake and Excalibur! D’Argo’s Qualta blade!
(cut to moments later as Chiana and D'Argo dash like a pair of triumphant knights errant through Moya’s corridors with the prize. He tosses the Qualta and it flies in a giddy arc through the air to China who catches it by its hilts as D'Argo shoulders open the door to the hangar bay. They gallop inside and she tosses the blade back to him. He catches it by the hilts too, brandishing it as he addresses the alien vessel, which is still muttering its Ancient Luxan to itself in the gloom)
D'Argo: I have the Qualta blade! Eh-kutaka! (he charges into the ship, Chiana close behind) I have the Qualta blade! (he skids to a stop before the ships control consoles and display. It's making another sound now - and harsh chirring sound like an insect. The ship ignores him and just natters on implacably in its guttural language. The Luxan says in a confused, almost pleading voice as he stares desperately at the display) I have the Qualta blade... (furious) I HAVE THE QUALTA BLADE! (that gets the ships attention and suddenly a red light illuminates a slot. Taking a wild guess - D'Argo slides the blade into the stone - WE MEAN THE SHIP - it's a perfect fit and suddenly the chirring sound and the ships voice go quiet. In the blessed silence that follows, D'Argo sits down heavily in the Pilot’s seat, panting and suddenly exhausted)
Chiana: (her breathing is shaky) This is kinda like the sound you hear before you die.
D'Argo: (dully) Or after.
(speaking of death - John is still laying alone on his gurney. The only sound in the dull hum of his flat-lined brain wave readout)
The scene shifts to John’s Head. Same venue as before. D'Argo begins his purposeful stride down the walkway to John’s easy chair. This time he kicks the rake out of his way - KLANG!. And the bucket - THUNK! And the banana peel - WHIZ! And the giant leg trap - SKREE! He pauses behind the chair to announce-
D'Argo: Okay you frellnik - it's your turn to die!
He grabs the chair and spins it around to face him - but its occupant is a scarecrow with Xs for eyes and a huge stick of lit TNT in its mouth. There's no time to move before the dynamite explodes. As the smoke clears D'Argo is kneeling before the chair with a surprised look on his face. His tankas - as wrinkled and stiff as over-nuked hotdogs - are standing straight out from his head.
(back in reality, John lays on his gurney and the flat red lines on his brain wave display momentarily wrinkle and bulge before falling back to ruler-straightness)
Meanwhile, back in John’s Head, John suddenly bursts out of the smoky gloom and into the scene where D'Argo remains frozen with his crispy tankas staring at the scarecrow.
John: (madly ranting, with relish) On with the show! This is it! No cartoons! No crutches! Revenge! (he hefts an imaginary award for his performance as Scorpius/Harvey enters slowly behind him) I'd like the thank the Academy - (he plants a big air-kiss on his 'award') - for this beautiful Oscah! (MWAH!)
Scorpius/Harvey: (bored) Oh shut up John. It's not presentation night. You ought to be thanking me.
John: For what?
Scorpius/Harvey: (incredulous) For saving your life!
John: Sorry, Harv - no joy. I gave it a shot. You could've been right - you were wrong.
Scorpius/Harvey: (puzzled) I - don't understand.
John: Of course you don't understand. You live in the country but you do not speak the language. (he grimaces and waves his hand wearily at the clone) Just don't - don't touch anything in here - you're clueless.
Scorpius/Harvey: (soft & deadly) No John - revenge!
John: (quietly) For you - it's a way of life. For me it's not the answer.
Scorpius/Harvey: Then we're dead. (lightning flashes and there's a brief glimpse of John’s tombstone)
John: Don't ever distract me from what I really feel. Harv - (with carefully measured emphasis) - I - love - Aeryn. (the scene shifts monetarily back to reality where his body lies on its gurney and suddenly convulses. Back in John’s Head he and Scorpius/Harvey stand, waiting. The clone is quiet and contemplative while John looks up with his face aglow in warm light as if he can see himself laying on the gurney in reality. And in reality - his eyes snap open and the brainwave display comes undulating to life. John smiles and lowers his eyes. He walks over to Scorpius/Harvey and pats him on the shoulder with the genuine amiability of a man who's in too good of a mood to dislike anyone) I appreciate your help though. That's all folks! (the clone isn't sure if he should smile, run after the human and argue - or simply be grateful he's still alive and take a lesson from this experience. So he just glares at the petrified D'Argo and growls - which causes one of the Luxans crispy tankas to quietly snap and fall off) and he exits)
(cut back to the hangar bay where Chiana and D'Argo are still waiting for the other shoe to drop. It does - when suddenly the little ship speaks again in its low growl)
LuxanShip: Identify yourself.
Chiana: (with quiet amazement) Hey-!
D'Argo: (slowly, his voice atremble with pride and emotion) I - am Ka D'Argo. Son of Laytun. Grandson of Reksa. And I am the great-grandson of Ka D'Argo Treytal.
LuxanShip: Power systems at your command Ka D'Argo. (and as he and Chiana watch with amazement, the ship begins to activate its systems one by one as it names them. They gape about them, trying to take it all in. Delight spreads over D’Argo’s face) Telemetry functions at your command. Deception Shroud at your command. Sonic Accelerator at your command. Particularization Field at your command. Weapons Cascade at your command. Communications Array at your command. Eyes - clear. (and with the last works - parts of the ships walls becomes transparent viewports)
Chiana: You did it! (giggling, she plops herself into his lap and kisses him)
D'Argo: (quietly overjoyed) I did it - I did it! (and at that moment, they're interrupted by the arrival in the little ships doorway, of one very woozy human, his shame is covered by Moya’s golden sheet - which he has swathed around himself toga-style)
John: (groggy) Hey guys? (Chiana and D'Argo turn to gape at him with something between joy, surprise and relief) The lights are all out. Maybe we should call someone? (and with that - he plotzes with the thudding sound of naked flesh hitting Leviathan deck)
(cut to later. Moya still floats dark in space, awaiting completion of her rewiring. Chiana's in the maintenance bay working on something, Jool is with her. The redhead is working on removing stains on her skin from her spelunk into the trill-bat cave)
Jool: (concerned) This stuff - will not come off!
Chiana: Well lucky for you it doesn't smell.
Jool: It smells terrible!
Chiana: (without looking up from what she's doing) Right. I mean - lucky for me we don't share quarters.
Jool: (annoyed) You know - I think you should just show a little more respect. Without my sacrifice you would-
Pilot: (breaking in via comm, his tone is reluctantly courteous as he finishes Jool’s sentence) We would have all perished. Moya and I thank you - Jool.
Jool: (quite pleased as she scrubs at herself with vigor) You're welcome Pilot. (Pilot grunts - that thank-you must've hurt since it's likely he'll never hear the end of it. Jool continues cheerfully) Oh - if I were you I'd clean out that lower level if you ever expect me to go down there again! (yeah and pick up that mess on those catwalks too ya slob)
Pilot: (in a deadly flat tone that suggests he may be contemplating another banishment of somebody - or worse) Yes. Of course.
Chiana: Well you wouldn't have to go down there again if you'd stop frellin' around with other peoples stuff.
Jool: (she comes and leans over China, the better to rub in what she has to say) Um excuse me - D'Argo and I have already sorted all that. (Chiana looks at her with annoyance and makes a little 'oh yeah?' sort of sound) I'm gonna take the first ride on his ship when he figures it all out. (Chiana makes another little sound and Jool bounces smugly from the room)
Chiana: (muttering as she goes back to her work) Kids.
(cut to John. He's outside Moya, space-suited and alone in the universe. He's seated on the great Leviathan’s skin, lost in his own thoughts. A deep violet nebula glows in the vast, isolating distance. His reverie is interrupted by D’Argo’s voice on comm. The Luxan is standing pensively on Moya’s darkened Command, holding his Qualta. The scene shifts between the two of them as they speak)
D'Argo: (contrite) Crichton - I know you're out there. If you won't talk to me can you -.at least just listen? Somehow saying I'm sorry seems so inadequate.
John: Aw we'll get through it.
D'Argo: I've so much rage inside. So many things. Sometimes I - (he pauses and sighs) - I just need to control it better.
John: Well now would be a good time to learn. You got a baby ship to feed.
D'Argo: It's a curse John. A warrior heritage - my instincts. (as he speaks, John comes into view outside Moya’s main viewport, dropping down to look in at the Luxan as they talk)
John: You just gotta know when to control 'em bro.
D'Argo: (he turns his gaze away from John) We have a code-- aggression against an ally entitles retribution. (he sighs, as if stealing himself for his friends wrath)
John: D'Argo - look at me. (the Luxan slowly looks up to meet his eyes) There is nothing - that would ever make me take revenge on you.
D'Argo: (softly, as he reaches out and touches the glass of the portal where John’s hand rests against it outside) Thank you. (as John makes to climb back up, D'Argo taps the portal with his knuckles to keep him a moment longer. He asks, hesitantly) When you were dead - did you know you were dead? I mean - no- What went through your mind? What did you see?
John: (he thinks about it for a moment before answering) Buddy - that would be impossible for me to explain to you. (D'Argo seems disappointed - but can only accept the answer as he sighs and lets his eyes drop back down to the Qualta in his hands)
John turns his own gaze back to space and as the edge of his space helmet moves - a bright cartoon universe is revealed. A swirling green cosmos glows with stars that shine down on the pink and orange landscape of an upside-down mountain range. A Flash Gordon-style rocket sits on its surface and space stations hang in the distance. The MIR gimps by overhead, passed by the red and blue turbine. The Starship Enterprise heads out for parts unknown and the yellow and silver rocket shoots for the stars.
John looks back in at D'Argo - who of course sees only the usual star scape - and grins.
And somehow - the bright cartoon cosmos seems just as likely a panorama as the actual universe and all its mysteries.